


Can you see my scars?

by ShippingEruri (shippingeruri)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Body Image, Crossdressing, Drama, Drama & Romance, Eruri Secret Santa 2015, F/M, FTM Hanji, FTM Levi, Fluff and Angst, LLF Comment Project, M/M, Modern AU, Romance, Trans Character, Trans!Levi, srs, trans!hanji
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-20
Updated: 2015-12-20
Packaged: 2018-05-06 19:46:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5428436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shippingeruri/pseuds/ShippingEruri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is an Modern AU Fic where Erwin and Levi start dating. Levi works in a fitness club and is a ftm guy.</p><p>It's fluff with a bit angst combined with romance and drama? ^^</p><p> </p><p>  <em>“But you get the idea – it's not like we still don't know each other. But...” He paused and closed his eyes for a moment “... I don't think I can keep doing this much longer.” </em></p><p> </p><p>Please enjoy : ) This is my first published fanfic in English and for the Eruris ever and I have no idea if you like it or not ^^</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfiction was created within the frame of the [Eruri Secret Santa on tumblr 2015.](http://erurisecretsanta.tumblr.com/). You can find my tumblr blog [here: shippingeruri ](http://shippingeruri.tumblr.com/). It my first full fanfiction in another than my native language ^^
> 
> Since I'm not a native English speaker I was lucky that [Mari](http://haganenoheichou.tumblr.com/) helped me to proofread and also edit this fanficition. Thank you very much my dear!!
> 
> My prompt: _"I love the colour blue and I like it when boys are more 'feminine'/wear 'feminine' clothing because it helps alleviate my dysphoria. I also headcanon levi as a transguy. :)"_  
>     
> ***
> 
> This story is part of the [LLF Comment Project](https://longlivefeedback.tumblr.com/llfcommentproject) whose goal is to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and will reply to:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comments
>   * Questions
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
> 


It was one of these days I even didn't want to get out of bed. This world was so miserable that I wanted to throw up just imagining what was going on these days. Nevertheless, we were short on staff and in January hundreds of people with their New Year’s Resolutions wanted to join a fitness club. I felt horrible. I had spent Christmas with my parents, but it had been the worst Christmas of my life, since my dad hadn't spoken a single word to me, and my mom had been drinking so much that it was not possible to talk to her at all. I would have wanted them to communicate with me, to show their support. But they wouldn't support me – not with what I was.

After I somehow got out of bed, carried myself to the bathroom, and then to the kitchen, I still felt like shit. While the coffee dripped into the pot I lit a cigarette and took the first look at my mobile since the alarm had rung.

A message from Han. He was my boss and owned a fitness club for people that didn’t care about money but cared a great deal about their status.

_Can you please come in asap? Nanaba's baby's coming! She and Mike are in the hospital. Thanks._

I put down my phone with a sigh and butted out the cigarette in the ashtray. Happy fucking New Year – this was the second day of the year and I already wanted it to be over. I went to the bedroom again and dressed as quickly as possible. A short glance outside the window: everything was covered in snow and the white shit still came pouring down. After I dressed myself in several layers – shorts, working clothes, a gray pullover, long black trousers and a scarf that I wrapped around my neck three times – I took a look in the mirror. I looked healthier than I felt and a soft smile appeared on my lips as something came to my mind. Today was the January 2nd – exactly one year ago I had started on testosterone. Exactly one year ago my life had started to change – for the worse with my family, and for the better for me.

I took a step towards the mirror, my eyes wandering all over my covered body, my fingers going to my face. This was what I had always wanted. My fingertips were wandering over my chin, my cheeks – they had gotten much more defined, not as soft and smooth as they used to be. I could feel the stubble and furrowed my brows – no time for a shave now. But my fingers kept wandering and I realized that tears were coming to my eyes.  _Fuck._ I had never been that much of an emotional person, but the feelings that overwhelmed me where too sudden, too strong and too real. With a hasty movement I wiped away the tears, straightened my shoulders and went back to the living room. I grabbed my tote bag, threw my phone, my cigarettes, a lighter and a bottle of water in it, and then poured the coffee in a thermo mug and rushed out the door.

While I was staring out of the bus window, listening to 30 Seconds to Mars and taking sips from my coffee, my thoughts were running wild. So Nanaba's and Mike's baby was coming – that was wonderful. The two were like the dream couple from hell – you could see their love within a mile’s distance. They’d been together for quite a while and Mike was the one who had encouraged Han to go ahead with his idea of this elite fitness club.

I had met Han about two years back, when I had had the interview for the position as a trainer as he had opened his club. I had gotten hired on the spot because he claimed that I had been acting as myself, which had been a complete new experience for me. Since then Han had been kind of my mentor. He was thirty-two and had done a female to male transition when he was twenty – he had told me during our first company dinner, the night before the grand opening of the club. He luckily had had the full support of his whole family and since I had drunk quite a bit of wine that evening, I had later unburdened my heart to him while we had gone out for a cigarette. It had been strange, because it had been the first time in my life I had ever been able to talk to someone about this whole thing so openly, even tough he was my boss and we’d known each other only for a couple of days.

I left the bus, immediately reaching for my cigarettes. It was a bad habit, and I hated the smell of smoke, but somehow it was a part of me. I lowered the hood of my coat to keep the snow away. While I inhaled the heavy smoke I remembered what I had felt like one year ago. My mother had cried, my father had raged – wishing I was not his child, cursing me – and Han had finally shoved me in the taxi to drive to the doctor who was a specialist in hormone therapy and who had helped him as well. Han and I had spent endless nights talking and more and more I knew that I was not “sick” or “disgusting” - as other people I’d tried to talk about this called me – but I was just unlucky enough to be in the wrong body. I’d always dated guys and I’d never been interested in girls, but I never had never been able to truly love someone or myself. I’d been struggling with this feeling ever since and when I had realized I envied my partners more than I actually liked them, I hadn’t been equipped to deal with it at first. I had spent lots of time on forums and googled my way through the Internet until I was sure that I was born female, but should have been male. Since my parents had always been conservative, I hadn’t talked with them about it, but tried to keep it a secret until I had gone to college.

 

Even before I entered the club, Han was already running towards me.

“I'm sooo thankful that you could make it even sooner, Levi. We have about eight welcome training sessions until lunchtime, the showers don't get warm water so there will be someone coming. We need to update the homepage and-,”

“Shut up. I get it,” was all I said while I pushed Han back into the club.

“Just let me get my second coffee and take off my clothes and I'm ready to go,” I growled before heading to the staff room.

After I took off my scarf, my coat, my pullover and the long trousers, I changed to my sports shoes. While I was sitting on the bench and lacing my sneakers I gazed up at my own reflection. I wasn't that big, so I would never get wide shoulders, but I really liked my upper arms and the contours of the muscles. When I stood up I lifted my shirt and a smirk crossed my face as I looked at my abs. I had put hard work in my body, especially as I was poisoning it with cigarettes – but the one thing that I was still surprised about was my chest. I had gotten my chest correction surgery a couple of weeks back and now it finally looked the way I always wanted it to look, besides the scars – but I could live with those

“Coffee?” I asked as I entered Han's office.

“Got it,” he answered with a smile and handed me a mug along with a couple of papers. “The people for the welcome training today.”

With a sigh I sat down in the comfy chair that I’d occupied so often before.

“Four women, four men, six of them in the finance sector, two self-employed,” Han said with a smile.

“Your favorite kinds of people,”

It was true, as much as I hated snobbish people I loved to play my games with them in a polite way. I would never insult a customer – Han knew that – but I loved to see them get angry at themselves. I emptied the coffee mug while Han called Mike to ask about Nanaba. The three of them had been friends all the while and I had found really good friends in them with my job here.

“She's still in labor, but everything's looking good so far,” Han said with a smile. “Well then, off to work.”


	2. Chapter 2

I was almost done – only one person to come for the welcome training and then I could go out for lunch. I sat down behind the counter, and looked at the clock – the guy was five minutes late already.

I looked at the last paper:

_Name: Erwin Smith_

_Age: 34_

_Occupation: self-employed_

_Goal: getting in shape_

“Excuse me for being late, I got held up.”

I suddenly heard a breathy, deep voice and looked up into a man's face. Blond hair and black coat covered with snow, face all sweaty and lightly red that made his blue eyes stand out even more.

“I'm Erwin Smith, I'm here for the welcome training,” he added before he put his hand over the counter and with a smile raised his dominant eyebrows. I rose from the chair, my heart bumping like crazy in my chest while I took his hand.

“Hello Mr. Smith, I'm Levi, your coach for today,” I said in a tone that sounded as practiced as possible, even though I felt my mouth go dry.

“Nice to meet you, Levi,” he said, his voice the sweetest thing I’d ever heard. His hands were big and despite the fact that he had been in the cold, they were warm. Warm and soft – I held his hand longer than needed and I only realized that when he started to smile, a bit confused.

“I.... I'm sorry,” I said, flustered, as I let go off his hand and felt the heat rushing in my face.  _Damnit, pull yourself together,_ I said to myself as I went around the counter.

“May I take your coat, Mr. Smith?” I asked politely, and he immediately dropped his bag and started to unbutton the black coat. Now that I was standing beside him I realized how big he was – I should have guessed it from behind the counter. While I tried to not be so fucking stiff – which was pretty unusual for me – he spoke.

“I was held up at a meeting and then I got stuck in traffic so I ran the last mile here.”

I lifted my eyebrows.

“No need to excuse yourself. I'll be right back”, I said with a smile while I took his coat and brought it to the cloakroom. Out of the corner of my eye I could see that he was straightening his suit jacket and running his fingers through his hair – he was really good looking in his dark blue suit. When I was around the corner I couldn’t resist the urge to inhale the scent of his coat – musk, vetiver, herb and masculine with a light scent of flowers – and was shocked at myself. What the fuck was I doing? Hastily, I hung up his coat near the heater.

Since my ex had left me when I had started on testosterone, I’d been single and I hadn’t had have any intention to change that... at least, so I thought. But if I was honest with myself this guy was really my kind of man. Tall, blond, good looking, and seemingly good-smelling. Nevertheless, he was a customer and I wouldn't do anything against Han's guidelines.

When I came back to the counter, Mister Smith seemed to have cooled down a bit.

“Do you have your own towel and something to drink? Or do you need something from us?” I asked following the protocol.

“I'm fine thanks, I've got everything with me,” he said with a smile.

“Alright then – I'll show you the changing room, if you'd please follow me?” I said with a nervous smile. Again I felt my heartbeat going up as Mister Smith's eyes wandered all over my body. When I walked in front of him I could almost feel his eyes on the back of my neck and nervously I ran my fingers over my undercut. Did I smell bad? Was my shirt on the wrong way? Suddenly I had the feeling of something being wrong and I was more than relieved when we arrived at the men’s changing room.

“You get this guest card for the locker. When you've changed, please come to the counter again,” I said as I pulled a plastic card out of my pocket. “Do you have any questions beforehand?”

“Understood. Thanks, Levi, and no, no questions at the moment” the blond said and as he took the card our fingers touched for a split second. My hand startled hammering again and I blinked, ashamed.

“I'm sorry – I just remembered something,” I lied as well as possible and walked off towards the entrance area.

"Almost done for today, huh?” Han asked when he saw me passing by his office.

"Yepp,” I answered shortly, making my way to the counter. What the heck was wrong with me? What was wrong with this guy? I sat down to relax myself and cricked my neck a bit. It only seemed like a minute until Mister Smith showed up again. I gulped heavily –  _fuck you!_ The light gray shirt was a bit tight, and therefore revealed much of the almost perfect torso this guy had. The trousers were dark blue and showed off his godlike thighs. Why would this guy have "getting in shape" as a goal? I shook my head a bit to clear my mind.

"You're all ready to go, as I see,” I said with a smile. "Let me show you around."

 

~~~

 

We were almost done with the welcome training when I helped him to correct his posture at the butterfly machine. His body was all warm, sweaty, I could feel his heartbeat and see his chest widen with every breath. I had problems holding my composure and tried to keep body contact to a minimum.

“There you go,” I said encouragingly while I shamelessly watched his back. Every inch of my body seemed to be hypnotized by this guy and I couldn't understand why.

“Wow, I feel like I'm getting too old for this,” he said breathlessly before he opened the water bottle and took some gulps – water ran out of the corner of his mouth and down his chin. I stared, I stared like a goddamn idiot.

“You're thirty-four according to the form you filled out, isn’t that right?” I asked and added with a smile: “So I wouldn't say you are too old for working out.”

He lowered the bottle.

“No? That's good to hear. How old are you if I may ask?” He said with a smile.

“Turned thirty last month,” I said while I tried not to stare at his chest that looked like heaven in the wet shirt.

“So you entered the old people club then?” He asked with a smile.

“You could say that.”

“May I invite you to an old people drink sometime then?” He asked casually after he placed his towel around his neck.

BOOM! I felt like a grenade had just detonated in front of me and I had to resist the urge to take a double backwards and get away from this situation. My eyes widened and I opened my mouth – but no words came out. I could see him tighten his eyebrows and then smile a bit shy.

“Ah sorry, that might have been a bit unexpected... and I don't ev-,” he tried to explain, when I suddenly heard myself speak.

“Sure, why not? I will contact you. Sorry, I'm on break now. Have a nice day. I hope to welcome you as a member of our club.” The words came out like a waterfall before I turned around with a red face and left Mister Smith just where he stood.

 

After lighting my cigarette, I felt my heart rate slowly go down, but I still couldn’t wrap my head around what had just happened. Holy shit. I’d just agreed to go for a drink with this hot looking guy I didn’t know.

“Levi, you OK?” Han asked, suddenly showing up by my side. I only nodded. “That Mister Smith guy asked about you – if you were alright.”

I sighed. “I’m alright… I just-,”

I started but Han suddenly thrusted a business card into my hand.

“He asked me to give you this,” he said with a smile and then left me in the snow with my cigarette. A bit surprised I blinked – first at Han and after he was gone at the dark gray business card.

 _Erwin Smith – Foreign Language Correspondence_  and his mobile number, as well as an e-mail address were written on the front. I turned the card around and felt my eyes go wide.

_"Old people drink_

_Thursday,_   _8 p.m. in front of the fitness club_

_I'll be there"_

was written in the most beautiful handwriting I’d ever seen.  _Fuck._ Han must have told him that my shift was over at 7:30 pm. That asshole...

 

“What the fuck were you thinking, Han?” I asked as I lay my head down on his office desk.

“What the fuck were  _you_ thinking, little shithead?” Han asked and tapped a finger on my forehead.

“This guy is interested in you – isn't that great? And you just ran off like a little boy,” he said and poked my shoulder. In general Han might have been right – it was always nice if someone that left a good first impression on you was interested in you.

“But-,” I started, getting interrupted by Han immediately.

“No buts – only butt, Mister Smith's butt, if you ask me,” he said and laughed. I shook my head.

“No Han, for real... if this guy is even gay, presumably, how do I explain my missing cock?” I sighed.

“Everything has it’s own time – you have been testosterone for about a year now-,”

“Exactly one year.”

“-and you can get SRS soon enough if you really want it. Why do you always see the negative side of things, Levi? It's exactly one year since your awesome journey started. The journey to get the body you always dreamed of, the body you deserve. And exactly one year after the start you get invited on a date by a guy? Come on, that's awesome, if not a sign,” Han said in an excited voice.

“Yeah, maybe you're right,” I said – and I really had the feeling that Han's words made sense.

“By the way – Mike called. It's a girl, all are well and they will be leaving the hospital tomorrow.”


	3. Chapter 3

“You're late,” I said and took a drag from my cigarette. I'd seen him from far away – the blond hair, the wide shoulders, the height – he was so fucking manly.

“Am I?” He asked and looked at his watch.

“About thirty seconds,” He said and raised his right eyebrow. “Are you really going to be mad about that?”

I tried to give him a cool look, but I had to smile.

“No, I just wanted to see how you'd react,” I said, throwing the cigarette on the ground.

“You smoke?” He asked, now both brows lifted.

“Yup,” I simply answered, tilting my head a bit to the side. “You wanna talk about my habits or you wanna get me an old people drink?”

He smiled brightly, shaking his head. “The old people drink was promised, the old people drink it shall be. I was just a bit confused, because I always thought fitness trainers are super careful with their bodies.”

“Well... I guess you are wrong about that. Almost everyone working in this field smokes. Where are we gonna get the old people drinks?”.

We entered a nice bar that looked a bit more expensive than I would have liked.

“May I take your coat, Levi?” The blond asked me with a smile and I blinked, confused. Normally that was my line – and this is exactly what I said to him two days back. Two fucking days in which I had hardly slept, because I had been excited like a kid shortly before Christmas.

“Sure, thanks,” I replied, and handed him the coat which he hung up beside his own. We sat down in a corner and on our way there I was hit with a whiff of that magnificent scent that belonged to this guy. A bit dizzy, I looked around when we finally sat down.

“So, Mister Smith, do you come to old people places like this often?” I asked, and he laughed affectionately before he replied.

“First, please call me Erwin. Second, I don't go out often, so no, I'm here for the first time as well.”

I felt a bit dumb – this was a date so I wouldn't have needed to address him by his last name.

“Ah, sure... yeah... so, Erwin, why did you ask me to go out for an old people drink with you?” I asked straight forwardly while my hands clung to the fabric of my trousers under the table.

He seemed a bit surprised, but replied firmly

“I think you're interesting.” That was straight forward as well.

“You don't even know me.”

“Well, this is what I'm trying to change with this... date.”

The waitress approached us then.

“Good evening, gentlemen, what would you like?” She asked with a bright smile, batting her eyelashes at Erwin who gave me a look.

“Gin-Tonic for me, please,” I said and Erwin smiled at her.

“Same for me, do you have Monkey 47?”

“Sure, I'll be right back,” she said in a friendly way and turned to walk back to the bar.

“Monkey 47? What's that? Some sort of secret code?” I asked, interested.

“It's a very fine gin... you'll see for yourself.”

I leaned back, my fingers undoing my scarf, while I crossed my legs below the table.

“First tell me something about you,” I said with a demanding smile.

“Well.... you know my name, age and maybe from the business card my occupation,” he started while unbuttoning his suit jacket.

“I moved here last year after I got divorced from my ex wife. I'm interested in languages, obviously, literature, Asian cuisine and traveling. I don't have kids, no debts, no house, no car, no skeletons in my closet. My father died when I was seven years old, my mother married again and lives in Switzerland with her husband. I'm an only child. I'm pretty boring... now that I think about it,” he said while scratching his neck before his fingers ran through his perfectly combed hair.

“Well it doesn’t sound very extraordinary, but... life can be perfect that way,” I said with a smile.

“How about you then, Levi? Tell me something about you,” he said – and the waitress showed up again.

“Here you go, gentlemen. Two Gin-Tonic with Monkey 47,” she said as she put down two glasses.

“Thanks,” I said and Erwin just nodded with a smile. “Cheers.”

I raised my glass. “Cheers.”

Glass rang against glass. I took a sip from the drink and felt it run down to my stomach. After I put down the glass again I cleared my throat.

“You know my first name, but not my last name. So I'm gonna start with that. My last name is Ackerman. I moved here eight years ago and started working as a dietitian. With the opening of the fitness club I started working there as a trainer. I like reading, kick boxing, music and smoking,” I said with a smile. Our eyes met, and for a moment my heart seemed to stop only to beat faster after a second. “I... I've never been married, I don't have kids, also no debts and no car. I've never killed anyone, in case you’re wondering.”

I gave Erwin another smile.

“What about your family?” Erwin asked, fingers around his glass, and I felt a lump in my throat, quickly grabbing the glass in front of me.

“I don't have one,” I said calmly. Erwin furrowed his eyebrows.

“How do you mean that, if I may ask?”

I took a deep breath. “I'm an only child as well, but my father doesn't talk to me and my mother is too drunk most of the time to talk, so I only see them on Christmas which happens to be my birthday. But in general I'd say I don't have a family.” Why was I so fucking honest? I didn't even know this good looking blond guy that was looking at me with an earnest expression.

“I'm sorry to hear that, Levi. I really am,” he said, lowering his chin.

“Ah, could be worse. I mean, I have found great friends that are kind of my family,” I said with a smile.

“Sure... but I mean, how come your parents are not interested in you?” Erwin asked in a gloomy voice. I pressed my jaws together. I hated this question … but I should have known that this would come up sooner or later. Was I supposed to be honest? Make something up? I met the glance of his beautiful blue eyes and in the same moment the scar on the right side of my chest began to itch like hell.

“Excuse me,” I said, hastily getting up, shouldering my tote bag and going towards the toilets. I entered the toilet for men – as I’d been doing for a couple of years now – and locked myself in a stall. I lifted my shirt and immediately wanted to start crying. Even though I now had this body, I sometimes felt like this was all wrong, like I wasn’t supposed to even be alive. The conversation with Erwin had gone in a direction I had hoped to avoid. But I had been avoiding this since … like, ever. Han, Mike, Nanaba and my best friend from college, Farlan, were the only people I was able to talk to about this openly. My ex knew about my issues and my desire to have a male body, but he had refused to support me when I had finally made the right steps towards my goal. But how could I date a guy and keep quiet or lie about myself? Because this right here, this emotional mess that I could sometimes be, this was me. I applied some soothing cream that I always had with me on the scar and waited a couple of minutes before I headed back to the table.

 

~~~

 

“I'm sorry, I don't want to force you to tell me anything you don't want to,” Erwin started right off after I returned.

“No, you don't have to be sorry,” I said before drinking a good portion of my drink.

“I'm sorry. I don't have any reason to act the way I'm acting right now,” I said. “You are interested in me? OK, fine. I'm happy about that, because I think you are interesting too.”

My speech was speeding up.

“That's... nice to hear Levi,” Erwin answered, a bit confused – obviously my new frame of mind surprised him.

“I was not always like I'm now,” I started and realized that it was damn hard to explain this, but Erwin looked at me with interest, making no attempt at interrupting me.

“I was born... when I was born I...” It was so fucking hard to tell it. But why? If he ran off, fine – another asshole sorted out. But what if he actually stayed and wasn't shocked? That was a possibility I had never really had thought about. So fuck it! Just say it! “I was born biologically as a girl. I was born in the  _wrong_  body. It has always been like this but I truly realized this when I was in my late teens. I didn't speak about it with my parents until I was finished with college and settled down here. I started testosterone a year ago, a year and two days ago. Since I told my parents that I'm transgender... they became like this, they even refuse to call me by the name I've chosen and still talk about me as their daughter.”

I felt like my heart was about to explode, my legs were shaking and I couldn’t discern anything around me.

“Look at me, Levi.” I heard Erwin’s deep voice coming in through my mental barrier. I didn't even realize that I’d been looking down the whole time, avoiding the piercing blue eyes. Still, I hesitated to look up since I felt tears well up in my eyes. Why did I tell him this? This was way too soon.

“Levi, please look at me.” I heard his voice, now to my right as I felt a warm palm on the back of my hand under the table. Surprised, I looked up, blinking the tears away and once more feeling like I was drowning in those fucking blue eyes.

“Thank you,” Erwin whispered and kissed the back of my hand which he had retrieved from underneath the table while he laid his other arm around my should and pulled me closer.

“I really appreciate your honesty and I'm touched by your story,” he whispered into my ear while his thumb caressed the back of my hand. “I'm sorry if telling this makes you sad... I don't want to be the reason you are sad.”

I could feel his warmth, smell his body, and when I looked up and met his eyes, I wanted this moment to last forever. He slowly let some distance between us, letting my hand go and retracting his arm before he got up and sat on the other side of the table again.

“How about we empty these old people drinks and get the next round?” He suggested with a wink.

I nodded with a smile.

After I told Han about our first date he was so proud and happy that he changed my shifts every time I had a date so that I had enough time to prepare for seeing  _Mr. Godlike Butt,_  which was what Han called him now. Mike and Nanaba dropped by almost every day with their little baby who had received the name Elisabeth.

“I hope she gets Nana's nose,” I said when I first had a look at her and Mike was the one to laugh the loudest.


	4. Chapter 4

Erwin and I dated for a couple of weeks. We went out to eat, we went to the movies, we went to an exhibition. And he came to the fitness club almost every day. The dates were wonderful and I soon had to be honest with myself and admit that I’d really fallen for this guy. He was a by the book gentleman and never made any untoward gestures. We talked about everything and anything and even though at the first glance it may not have seemed like it, we really had a lot in common. Even the things in which we were completely different were great because he was interested in what I had to tell and I asked him a lot about the things he liked and I didn't have a clue about. I hanged on to his every word when he talked about Asian languages and the countries he’d been to – he was a great storyteller and the passion in his eyes was amazing. One day I decided to invite him to my place – not with the intention to go any further, I mean, we haven't even kissed yet – but to to take advantage of a more private atmosphere.

I cooked pasta with my famous salmon-creme sauce. I bought two bottles of semi-expensive wine and showered before and after cleaning my place. When the doorbell rang I lit the candles on the table and opened the door.

Erwin greeted me with a bright smile and a heartfelt hug before he handed me a single red rose.

“I was not to sure if you liked roses, so I decided one would be enough,” he said while I went on my tiptoes and gave him a kiss on his cheek. He was freshly shaved and smelled as stunning as ever. The only thing that was irritating me a bit was that until now I’d only seen him in a suit or in sportswear... but now he was wearing jeans with a simple shirt underneath an outdoor jacket.

 

After we had eaten and emptied the first bottle of wine we moved to the sofa. Erwin seemed very stiff, almost as if he was trying to avoid any physical contact, and when I tried to look at him he broke eye contact as soon as possible, which was very unusual for him.

“So Levi, this is now date number… five? Six?”

“Number seven if you count your welcome training in the fitness club,” I said with a smile and he nodded.

“But you get the idea – it's not like we still don't know each other. But...” He paused and closed his eyes for a moment “... I don't think I can keep doing this much longer.”

His jaws pressed together, hands folded together and his eyes lowered. My face froze, my heart stopped beating and even though I was covered with a blanket I started to shiver. Was this guy kidding me? I felt anger and pain rise up in my chest. Why the fuck would he come here with a stupid rose, eat with me just to tell me we had to stop dating? He started to rise from the sofa, getting up to where I was sitting and suddenly fell to his knees on the wooden floor.

“Levi, I'm sorry, I'm truly sorry,” he mumbled with his face in the blanket. Was he insane? I felt the urge to kick him away as I still couldn't find any words. His hands were searching for my legs underneath the blanket and I felt tears run down my cheeks.

“Levi, I … I want to touch you. I want to kiss you. I want to hold you. It's so hard to resist, but I'm afraid to drive you off or to make you feel uncomfortable,” he almost whispered as he looked up, his eyes desperately reflecting what he just said.

“You are beautiful, you are tempting,” he added and I felt my eyes go wide. My brain was running wild – never ever before had someone said anything close to this to me – and I’d been thinking he wanted to tell me we had to stop dating. My body was shaking, now overwhelmed with joy, and I couldn't hold back anymore and started to cry openly.

“Please don't cry,” he said in a concerned voice, slowly getting up from his knees, smoothly climbing on the sofa right next to me. I covered my face with my hands – I was in sheer shock. I hadn’t dared make any approaches because I had been afraid that he wouldn't want that. Because he didn't know how to deal with me and my body and now he was telling me that he wanted to touch me. Me with this body? My male body that still wasn't  _complete_?

“May I touch you?” I heard him ask in a soft voice. I could feel his overwhelming presence next to me.

I simply nodded as I attempted to stop crying. I felt his chest on my shoulder, arms wandering over my clothed skin, holding me tight. He buried his face in my neck, gently kissing the side of it, which sent down waves of heat through my body. His right arm lay on my chest, hand holding my left shoulder, caressing it through the fabric of my shirt.

“Levi, if you don't want this, just tell me... I don't want to hurt you in any way,” he whispered in a shaky voice, his lips starting to wander towards my chin. I could hear my heart beating so loudly that I felt dizzy from it. I still wasn't able to speak, all I could do was turn my head and grip Erwin's chin. He opened his eyes under heavy lashes and it seemed like an eternity that we just looked at each other. My tears began to dry on my cheeks when Erwin finally leaned in.

“May I kiss you?” He whispered longingly, his right hand stroking my jaw. Almost silently I replied.

“Yes, please.”

When we united our lips for the first time I wanted to burn this moment into my memory forever. His lips were not as soft as I had expected them to be but he was very gentle with me.

Within seconds I turned my body towards Erwin, my left hand running over his neck and the fine hairline while my right got a firm grip of his jaw and neck. I was overwhelmed by the sweet but bitter taste of his lips – but I had to taste the same, since we both had drunk wine before. Slowly I started to part my lips, letting my tongue lick his. He seemed to be surprised and let out a gasp before smiling. His lips parted as well and our tongues started a careful but explorative dance that increased in tempo and intensity with every second. My fingernails started to carefully scratch the skin beneath and Erwin panted, answering with a growl before he gave my lower lip a soft bite.

We were like teenagers. Kissing for what felt like hours, only touching each other’s faces, shoulders, necks and hair, from time to time locking our fingers. It was something I hadn't experienced in a long time, and I was more than horny after he finally took his lips away and looked at me with a flushed face, mouth red and wet from bites and kisses, his hair a mess - so I probably looked the same.

“Well, that was…” Erwin started while his hand reached for the wine glass on the table.

“... wonderful,” I finished the sentence with shining eyes and for a moment I thought that this had come out pretty stupid. Erwin just nodded after he’d had a sip of this wine and then leaned back again, his left hand reaching for my right. He cleared his throat and looked me right in the eyes.

“Levi, I want to be together with you,” he said all of a sudden. I could feel the desire and the sheer honesty in his words. I took a deep breath while I tried to make sense what he just said. After a few seconds the corners of my mouth went up and in a breathy voice I replied.

“Are you sure about that? I mean, I can be quite a mess sometimes.” He started to smile as well.

“Well, at least you would be  _my_ wonderful mess then,” he answered and took my hand to his lips, kissing the back of it.

“I'd love to be together with you,” I said as confirmation, just to make sure.

He didn't spend the night and it was OK. Even tough I still was horny – god, he was such a great kisser – I didn't feel the need to get any more intimate with him. Not now.


	5. Chapter 5

We had been together for a couple of weeks without any more intimacy than hot, messy kissing, but I could get a good idea of the package he was carrying in his trousers. Whenever he left I didn't dare smoke a cigarette, because I was afraid to lose the taste of his mouth. I introduced him to Han, Mike and Nanaba and even Farlan, who found time for a dinner at my place which was pretty rare, because he worked all over the country and rarely visited the area. Everything seemed to be perfect.

But there still were things I hadn't been able to talk about with Erwin. And I didn't know how to bring up the whole thing. Han told me to “just do it.” But Han, even if he knew more about me than anyone else, didn't know everything.

“If he's really into you, he will give you the time you need to figure things out,” he said. “I was sure that I wanted to have a penis until short before the SRS, I canceled the appointment only to get a new one a couple of weeks later. This is a decision that you have to be really sure about and you shouldn't rush it.”

“Yeah, right. But how do I tell my super masculine gay boyfriend that I might not want to have a cock?”

“By just saying it – only half as aggressively.”

“You make it sound super easy, you dork. He might even think that I already have something in my pants,” I muttered and rolled my eyes.

“Well, then it's his fault for assuming something he can't know – you didn't start with the heavy petting, right?” Han asked as he raised an eyebrow.

“Nope, only kisses.... but... Oh god Han, if he fucks like he kisses I'm gonna die,” I sighed, closing my eyes for a moment.

“Well, then tell me when you plan on doing that so I can send an ambulance,” Han said laughing before he rose from his office chair and came towards me.

“Be a big boy, Levi. You have nothing to lose but everything to win. This is your life, your body, your decision – and if Mr. Godlike Butt has a problem with that he can fuck off,” he said before hugging me pretty hard.

“Thanks Han, but I really would appreciate if you would let me breathe,” I muttered and he let go, not without messing my hair up with his fingers first.

 

 

~~~

 

I decided to give it to Erwin completely – everything I urgently wanted to address, to speak with him about. I always used to dress pretty gender neutrally when I left the house or people came to visit me. Trousers, shirts, pullovers in mostly gray, black and green. But when I was alone I preferred to be more feminine. And this was the thing even Han didn't know about – my girlish side that I was kind of ashamed of since I wanted to be recognized as a male by my environment. Nevertheless, it was time to confront Erwin with this – he would either run away or stay. It was that simple, but I was afraid that he'd run out on me.

I shaved extra thoroughly before I wandered to my bedroom. I opened the drawer of the dresser beside my bed and with a sigh I let my fingers wander over the fabric inside. I started to think it was a bad idea to expose with the whole truth... but if what I had with this man were to last, I had to be honest. I took my cell phone out and started writing to Erwin.

_9 pm, don't be late ;) I hope you are hungry. Please prepare for a surprise you might not reckon with. Miss you._

I instantly sent the message to avoid the possibility of changing my mind again. While I was thinking about how far I could go, my phone vibrated with a message from Erwin. For a moment I hesitated to read it, I was afraid of his reaction to my little hint, but I was too curious to not read it.

_I'll be there at 9 pm :) I'm always hungry when I'm at your place... but I'm really wondering about your surprise – I will like it for sure. Miss you too._

I smiled kind of sadly when I put the phone away.  _I will like it for sure_  - what might he have been thinking of? I brought my attention back to the open drawer before me …


	6. Chapter 6

Dressed in a black woolen over-the-knee socks, gray short trousers and a simple, but in my opinion beautiful black top with a cowl-neck, I went to the bathroom again. Underneath I wore velvet lingerie in black. Panties with the matching bra, all pretty with quillings and semi translucent. I felt sexy, I felt comfortable and still my hands were shaking when I opened the box with my jewelery. I took out a long necklace with a silver orb on it and put it around my neck. The orb hung a bit below the cleavage and I started, fingers still shaking as badly if not worse, to fumble for the matching earrings. When I found them I exchanged my usual normal silver hoops with them. Long silver threads with orbs of different sizes at the end, some hanging just above my shoulders. A simple silver ring and a matching watch were quick to find. I looked at my face in the mirror – as much as I liked my male appearance thanks to the T, sometimes I just liked to look softer, more girlish. I applied make up - very discreet - and put on nude lipstick before I put the mascara on my eyelashes. It was routine but nevertheless I was shaking. I had never ever before shown this side of me to anyone and not in my wildest dreams would I have imagined to confront the man that I was falling in love with more and more, with this. But now there was no turning back.

Just as I arranged my hair the doorbell rang.

I felt the strong urge to throw up for a moment and I could feel heat spreading over my body.

“Yes?”

“It's me.”

“All right, come on up.”

I pushed the button that opened the front door and opened the door to my apartment slightly. I could already hear Erwin's hasty footsteps on the stairs when I went inside my apartment, hiding in the kitchen – I didn't want to greet him at the door like this.

“Hello?” He asked and I could hear the surprise in his voice that I was not at the door like I always used to be.

“Come on in, I'll be there in a second,” I let him know and straightened my shoulders. My brain was empty – I had abso-fucking-lutely no idea what would happen. My heart was pounding so strongly, I felt like my chest would explode, but somehow I managed to hear Erwin close the door, take off his shoes, hang up his coat and then walk towards the sofa, sitting himself down with a sigh.

“Coming,” I heard myself say in a thin voice and I almost forgot to breathe when I started to move.

Everything was slowed down. I saw Erwin sitting on the couch – all perfect in his jeans with a buttoned shirt, both perfectly matching his eyes and hair - lifting his head. His eyes went wide, eyebrows going all the way up, lips slowly parting and his face froze. I stood still, placing my weight on my right leg, slowly crossing my arms in front of my body, my gaze wandering through the room – I couldn't stand to look him in the eye until I knew what he was thinking. It felt like minutes, but it might just really have been a few seconds before I broke the silence.

“You gonna say something or what? Stop staring, that's rude,” I said in a angry quiet voice. My brain still was empty, my heartbeat roaring in my ears. I heard Erwin clear his throat and from the corner of my eye I could see him get up.  _He's gonna leave_ , was my first thought and I prepared myself to see him to go to the door. My eyes slowly wandered in his direction and with surprise I realized that was coming closer to me. His eyes inspecting me.

“I... I'm sorry. I don't mean … to be rude, Levi.” He said, halting. When he stood right before me our eyes finally met – I felt the heat in my face and before I realized what was happening I felt his big hands on my back, pulling me closer to him, his chin resting on my shoulder, his lips close to my ear as he leaned down.

“You are beautiful, Levi,” he whispered and I thought I would need to cry out of happiness, but I didn't want to ruin this moment and so I swallowed heavily before I whispered back.

“Well, this is part of the surprise... l'm really... I'm really happy that you like it, I think?”

He let go of me with a kiss on my ear, his hands wandering over my arms, finally going up to my face. While he held my jaw gently in his hands he slowly leaned in.

“I am surprised, but not... in any negative kind of way. And yes – I do like it so far,” he said with a smile before kissing me. I closed my eyes, eagerly answering his kiss, putting my hands on his hips. I felt like the happiest person on the planet and for a moment I feared that I’d only been dreaming... so I let the kiss fade out with a soft bite at Erwin's upper lip.

“Are you hungry?” I asked and took his hand.

“Well, yes, kind of. But if you want to talk first, we can talk,” he said and I nodded. I was eager to get all of the burden I was carrying with me off my chest and I was glad that Erwin seemed to feel the same way.

We sat down on the sofa. I laid my head on Erwin's shoulder, our fingers knotted and his left arm resting over my shoulders while his fingers gently caressed my upper arm through the black fabric. My legs rested to my left, bent on the sofa.

“I thought you would run off...” I started. I could imagine how Erwin tightened his eyebrows while he replied.

“Why would you think that?”

”Because that's how I imagine everyone would react. But I didn't know for sure, you are the first person... to see me like this,” I said, sounding surprisingly calm.

Erwin took a deep breath.

“I feel honored... and at the same time I'm wondering why you are thinking so badly about yourself.”

I shrugged my shoulders.

“I don't know, it's just never been easy being me and a lot of people have left me when they found out about my messed up personality.” My voice started to shake and I could feel tears well up again. “And it's not just my personality. It's my body as well. I have these scars that I'm going to have for the rest of my life. And I've not yet decided if I want a cock or not. I'm a huge fucked up pile of shit."

“Sh... don't talk so badly about yourself,” Erwin said, moving a bit so he could face me.

“I can only imagine how hard it has always been and probably still is for you... but you are not messed up or a fucked up pile of shit. You are just perfect the way you are. You are a wonderful person to talk with, you are humorous, you can be very sophisticated, you are open-minded, you are interested in politics and the economy, you always have a story to tell or a question to ask, you introduced me to so much good music I had no idea about. You achieved so much in your life and you did your thing regardless of your surroundings,” he said without a break, his eyes focusing on mine before he lowered his voice a bit.

“You have beautiful eyes with extraordinary lashes.” A kiss on my right and my left eyebrow.

“You have got cute and tiny ears.” Lips fluttered over my right and left ear.

“Your lips are tempting and taste amazing.” A soft, short kiss on my lips.

“Your raven hair is soft and perfect.” He landed some kisses on my hair.

“Your arms are well formed.” Messy kisses on my left arm.

“You have delicate fingers that are very strong.” He lifted my left hand and kissed every single finger tip. I didn't dare to move or resist – I just was overwhelmed by the sensation of experiencing this adoration. My whole body seemed to burn. Never ever had I been called the things Erwin had just called me.

“Levi, what exactly about you is messed or fucked up? For me you are beyond perfect and I'm so happy that we met.” He closed his eyes and kissed me on the forehead. “And if this is another facet of you – then I'm absolutely fine with it.”

I couldn't hold back my tears, the moment was so overwhelming and I couldn't handle it anymore. Good thing I used waterproof mascara.

Erwin still was smiling.

“No need to cry, Levi. Everything's all right,” he said calmly and I got my hands up to his collar, finally finding the words, even tough I was sobbing.

“Why are you so goddamn understanding? Why are you not disgusted by me? Why are you-,” He interrupted me.

“Because I love you, Levi,” he said and I immediately pulled on his collar to bring him closer to me, to unite our lips in a passionate kiss, teeth clashing together. I was still crying, sobbing, but I also smiled. Erwin's left hand got hold of the side of my face while his right hand tightly lay around my hip.

“I love you too,” I breathlessly gasped as I pulled away my lips. “I love you so goddamn much, Erwin.”

I wiped away the tears with the back of my hand. He smiled honestly and I saw his eyes getting wet.

“That's nice to hear...” He said in a soft voice “…Because being in love together with you is one of the most wonderful things I can imagine.”

This man was beyond everything I could wish for, he never asked stupid questions, never wanted to know my old name, didn't investigate further regarding my parents, he got along with all my friends and now he seemed to be totally cool with my girlish side? And obviously with my not fully transitioned body? My hand was wandering over his shoulder - I had to bring up one more thing.

“Would you love me more if I had a cock?”

Erwin shook his head while smiling. “Don't you understand? I love you for who you are, not what you are. Of course you are attractive, but I would never define it with what's between your legs. I would love you with or without a cock, as long as you are happy with it.”

These words were enough to finally turn the switch in my head and I pushed away the sad feelings but welcomed the warmth and heat of the love that I finally was able to speak about, to address to the man that gave me a feeling of being welcome, of being good the way I am, of being normal.

“Well, since you seem to have quite enough for the two of us, I might consider being dickless a bit longer,” I said with a smirk. Erwin seemed to be surprised as he widened his eyes and opened his mouth while blushing.

“Come on, your bulge while we're kissing can be seen by a blind person.” I laughed and Erwin coughed slightly. And there it was … it was a bit overpowering since I hadn't felt like this for a very long time, but I knew that I would want more of his body.

“If you'd like, we could mess around,” I said softly and Erwin didn't answer, but immediately joined our lips again. My hands almost immediately started to unbutton his shirt. I could feel the warmth of his body and between wet kisses I somehow opened the last button and pulled back my head a bit to get a view of the body I’d been adoring for weeks but had never been able to see naked.

“Shit. Erwin, for real?” I gasped as I ran my fingers across his broad muscular chest, down over his abs. His skin felt warm and my nails gently scratched over his body.

“It's a bit unfair, don't you think?” He asked with a clear smile. For a moment, panic took over me.  _Fuck._ I had never undressed in front of anyone since my chest correction … but on the other hand, this man really loved me, or at least he said he did. The look in his eyes was pure and gentle, he wouldn't force me. Slowly, I took his hands in mine and lead them to the seam of my shirt and slowly nodded. He pressed his lips together while he slowly and very gently began to pull up the black fabric. I stared at his face, trying to read every reaction, but besides a satisfied smile and a brief lick of his tongue over his lips there was nothing that gave away any emotion. When I helped him pull the shirt over my head he placed a soft kiss on my collarbone.

“That's a nice surprise as well,” he said with a smile while his fingers followed the outlines of the bra I was wearing.

“You haven't seen the best part,” I said cynically while I reached towards my back to open the bra. Slowly I put down the straps and when the bra fell down I could feel his eyes wandering over the scars.

“Still think I'm not fucked up?” I asked as I turned my head away.

“No, I don't think you are fucked up,” he immediately said. “You are beautiful, Levi – I will tell you again and again if you don't believe me.”

He grasped my chin and pulled me closer.

“You got better abs than I do – I envy you,” he said with a smile.

“Shut up, let's make out already,” I said demandingly and kissed him.


	7. Chapter 7

Now we have been together for almost four years and we just recently moved in together in a nice apartment. Mike and Nanaba are about to have their second child. Han opened a second fitness club and is burying himself in work, but that's what he's always been like: passionate about what he's doing. We visit Erwin's mom every year – she is the sweetest lady I could imagine and she really seems to like me and is happy for Erwin. My parents got divorced and my mom is being treated for her alcohol addiction and slowly building up contact with me again. My dad preferred to disappear. Erwin and I have been talking about a possible SRS for me a lot in the last couple of weeks, but I'm still not all too sure and it's totally fine for Erwin, he says he would support me either way. I have been on testosterone for five years now and my body is still changing in a way that makes me love it even more.

 

“Levi?” I hear Erwin from the kitchen. He is cooking – his new hobby – and I can hear pots rattling.

“Yes?” I answer from the den.

“Dinner will be ready in about five minutes.”

“OK, I'm coming.”

“Ah, no that's not what I meant... Ouch – damnit!” He probably hit his head again on the vent.

“Are you all right?” I ask while I shut down my computer.

“Yeah, yeah, the damn thing is just too low for me. Anyway! Would you do me a favor?” He asks. I lift myself from the chair, stretching my arms above my head while I realize the rattling has stopped.

“What is it?” I ask as I tighten my eyebrows and turn around to leave the room. Erwin is standing in the doorway and wearing an apron above his clothes, and I start smiling at the sight.

“I bought you something – if you wouldn't mind wearing it tonight?” He asked with a soft smile. “It's on our bed. Just come when you've changed.”

And as suddenly as he appeared he's gone again.

 

I open the bedroom door with no particular idea what he could have bought for me and close the wooden door. Curious what it might be I go around the corner. And there it is. The dress that I saw and instantly fell in love with. It is of different shades of blue and the soft sunlight that shines through the window lets it shimmer even more than it had in the display window. Erwin saw my reaction when we passed the store while we were doing our Christmas shopping a couple of days ago … but he also saw my reaction to the price.

“That's way too expensive to just wear at home sometimes,” was what I said.

After I slip into the dress I take a look at myself in the mirror - I feel complete, I feel whole. With a smile on my lips I enter the kitchen – Erwin is concentrated on arranging the food on the plates in a nice way and so I simply step behind him, slinging my arms around his torso.

“Thank you.” I say into his back. Erwin takes my arms, loosens them and turns around.

“Let me have a look at you,” he says, his eyes wandering over me.

“You like it?” He asks and before I can answer he adds, “I like it. It fits you very well and the colors really suit you.”

I get up on my toes, my right hand reaching for the back of his neck, pulling him down.

“Blue has been my favorite color since I first saw your eyes. And yes, I like it very much,” I say before I give him a gentle kiss.

“I love you, Erwin,” I whisper as I place my head against his chest.

“And I love you, Levi,” he hums peacefully.

This is my life, my body and my love. I couldn't ask for more.


End file.
